Riding the subway on a random day, after an afternoon spent wandering, I came face-to-face with fear brought on by smallness. To my left sat two burly teenage boys. Both bigger than me, their voices made them seem twice the size they were. They threw out insults peppered with fucks, about the people they knew, all the way from 14th to 42nd. Annoyance at the noise breaking through my thoughts persisted until relief flooded when they rose to exit. Only to have the annoyance return, with them, after they kicked the door that had shut on them before they could reach it.
They settled back in and before too long, one of the two trashed a bottle below the seat we were sharing. My eyes connected with those of the bigger, even burlier man sat directly across the aisle. Without moving, our minds shared an imperceptible shake of the head at this inconsiderate action. Then, in an instant, fear hit. Rising with a pang from deep within, where the instinct to survive is engrained, it told me to wipe the small smile, which had started to spread, straight off my face before one of them noticed. This man, safe in his size, could respond with whatever he wanted to anyone, anytime, but those boys could take me down in a heartbeat. The glaring disparity in our sense of safety stood out, and it shocked me to the core. I stayed silent, head angled down, mulling this insecurity over for the rest of that ride.
Standing on my yoga mat a few days later, I was shown the strength I’d questioned. To my left stood a larger than average man. Almost a full foot taller, he had a good 75 pounds on me. Athletic, I clocked he could beat me in any competition set before us. I made the connection to the earlier incident, with the others who had also loomed over my frame, and opened my mind to what the universe wanted to show.
In a room overflowing with movement, a sliver of space separated us, and I sensed him begin as the class started. He knew how to move but it was obvious he had only recently begun his practice. His limbs lifted to make every pose, but they curved in where mine stretched out. His breath heaved with effort, while mine stayed steady beside him. He pushed to hold every stance, pausing as he went, and I remembered when I’d started and done the same.
Reflecting on how far I’d come, I lost my focus in the moment and stumbled. Smiling inward at my misstep, I understood this was no competition. We were each where we were meant to be, with our own goals to accomplish, and the determination in him, which I could sense, would catch him up to where I was in time. Meanwhile, I learned the lesson the universe had intended. Fear was a liar. My strength, which came from the core and had been cultivated with careful practice and intention, could overcome any challenge that crossed my path in the world at large.
Ready to see what else this experience had to share, I felt what he gave while working on himself. His breath, heavily exhaled, cooled the back of my neck right when a breeze was most needed. Sensing him push past his body’s limits, I felt my stagnation, and realized I’d stopped striving to improve the positions as mastered. Routine had set in, and I had to push past it to go further. Following the example his effort set, I added variations I hadn’t attempted in a while and struck a well of power within. It was there, waiting for me to go deeper. My heart soared as strength filled my body, helping me hold the positions well after every muscle ached to rest.
Taking our last bend forward, with all hands in prayer position at our hearts, we thanked the instructor aloud while I silently thanked the universe for having sent this man to help me see and tap into my strength more clearly.
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